I can remember 10 different times where I had some sort of intense overdose from hard and heavy drug use and thought I was going to die. Some I came extremely close… But I kept going. I kept using it as “lifestyle choice”.
My drug obsession almost cost me my life on many occasions. I used to drink and take drugs like fat people eat candy. I know this because once I got off drugs I went on sugar… And the immense weight gain began.
Do you want to know something that makes me really sad to think of?
I can’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t addicted to substances. I mean I’ve had sober stints – even a whole four years once… but that’s another story because I got chronic fatigue and put on massive weight gain then too.
But here’s what I mean by not remembering a time of my life where I wasn’t addicted to substances… I mean since I can remember. Since I was a young child I have been self medicating with sugar and food.
Through my deep healing regressions I realized I was starved as a baby. Yes for love but also food. My mum and Dad were lost teenage drug addicts and the first two years of my life were not safe for a child.
In fact this is why my grandparents took me away when I was around 2 or 3. They would tell me that every time they came to visit I was dirty and my mouth was covered in ulcers. Before long they had to face facts and rescue me.
So I went from a mad, unhappy environment… to a much safer, but still unhappy environment. And that is where my program of living life in extremes began.
I tell you this because these are realizations and awarenesses I’ve had over the last few months and more, that gave me insight into my extreme behavior… but only recently did it REALLY hit home that I’ve been an addict literally my entire life.
Most people reading this will already know, or have heard, that sugar is actually one of the most dangerous and addictive drugs there is. I’ve been months without sugar at differing times in my life… but that is few and far between compared to how much I’ve used it as a crutch when I’m unhappy and feeling unfulfilled.
So I got sober… but never really got sober.
I’ve had this pattern in my life, and I wonder if you reflect upon your life if something similar happened.
I realized recently that I’ve had a 10 year cycle. I have had a 1 year cycle too where things repeat almost to the day. But that crazy stuff is for another time.
My 10 year cycle.
It appeared physically when I was about 11 and my mother randomly told me I had been molested as a child. I started putting on real weight right around that time. (I’m guessing it might be related)
Then I had a life change and through moving to live with my mum. I met my first long term partner at 15. He was 20 almost 21. Wrong huh? Well we were in love and together for 7 years.
So I started losing weight and getting in shape. And for the first time I felt great about myself for a while. But I also developed a diet/binge eating disorder that was serious for a few years. So this was about 17 – 22.
Then at about 23 I got sober, moved away… and started putting on weight. I got chronic fatigue and wasn’t drinking and didn’t really have any friends except my boyfriend at the time (a different one) and a house full of actual guinea pig pets to keep me company.
It took until I was 25 almost 26 to break free. I healed myself from chronic fatigue before I even knew what healing was… but after the doctors told me I would be sick forever. I didn’t listen to them and never took one of their sick pills.
So after that I got super fit and toned and went in my World travels… back in 2008. And have have hardly been in Australia since. (where I’m from)
Then I spent 4 amazing years in San Francisco, where I traveled the states a lot on little holidays too.
So I turned 30 in SF and it was around that time that I slowly put on weight. It was only chubbiness at that stage. And the same time I realized I wanted to be a healer and close down my party business too…
Then I moved to Bali and Thailand… met my husband on a beach in a Thailand while I was living there and he was on holiday.
And 3 months after he left I was in England to see him and we fell in love all over again.
And then IT began again.
The increase in weight by many dress sizes.
The lack of energy…
Another chronic disease and an illness (I had a second chronic illness in SF – a lung disease that almost killed me. Seriously. EFT healed me from that).
This time it moved down to my belly with IBS… and then as I healed that I had this really scary thing happen. I got a lump in my privates that made me feel sick to touch.
Fortunately I had just a month before, met an amazing friend in Spain (where we lived for 3 months) who is a super powerful energy healer. I mean immensely powerful. She was a psychic spiritual type healer. She would touch you, or think of you, work with spirit and heal you.
I kid you not this woman saved me from a lot of pain and misery. Over a few several hour healing sessions up on the bed in my office room… she ran energy through my body that I felt like a tidal wave… and the lump and the remainder of my IBS disappeared.
But I ALREADY HAD that belief. And I know this is why I was called to go to that area of Spain – so we could meet and she could help me heal.
So over the last few years I’ve been in the low energy, overweight part of my cycle. (including when I had the healing in Spain)
This inability to get myself to exercise and eat healthily upset me so much! It killed me because when I’ve been fit I would work out and push myself harder than anyone I knew. But when I wasn’t… I found it an effort to even go for a walk.
I don’t really like labels because most people use it as a reason to lock illnesses in. But It has helped me to realize I have two things going on.
It’s crazy – I match exactly the symptoms of – delayed sleep phase disorder – which means my circadian rhythm is much longer than other people (when I live in the sunshine it goes away). And that just means that my body wants to go to bed later and later each day…
So i have to keep regulating my sleep patterns, because before long I am not going to bed until 8am and while still feeling wide awake – but once I sleep, I sleep for 7 – 12 hours.
Fortunately it’s not TOO much of a problem because I can make my own hours. But it takes some managing.
The biggest problem is that I’ve been suffering with, is SAD. Seasonal affective disorder (also a bad attitude from my vendetta against the English weather) – it’s really affected me.
I could be a poster girl for everything they say SAD is. So the other day I got myself a SAD light! Which is really this big bright happy lamp that gives your body the sun energy it needs.
I’ve had it about a week and I can feel myself getting better. This last 2 months I really felt like a drooping flower. It got really bad, I put on even more weight, I felt really low energy and sad… and this is why I haven’t been online or doing videos.
But the light helps SO much! This last week I have been beginning to feel better again for the first time in a long time.
I’m prioritizing my body and it is changing quickly (as excess weight falls off really quickly at first)
And I finally feel in control of my physical energy again!
I’m 35 now, and if my last 2 decades are anything to go by, I’m going on another upswing like when I was 25.
I’ve found a new level of respect for myself and things have finally really and for sure shifted. I’ve laid down the law in our house… no eating anything at all after dinner. As that is when we would binge on junk food almost daily. So no snacks, no nothing.
And because my exercise is feeling determined and good again, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. My spouse visa for England will be running out in a few months and I will NOT be renewing.
I’m a traveler. I’m going to the sunshine. Dean will commute on a semi regular basis while he builds his new business. To renew my spouse visa and even get a green card I would need to be willing to stay in this country. And I’m not. I won’t. I can’t… I refuse to with every cell of my body.
My body chemistry is extremely affected by my environment. And after everything that’s happened here… I’m grateful.
It has helped me developed a stronger character, and a success mindset that I just didn’t possess before. Only through this trial of fire and ice was that possible.
So NOW I’m in control of my food. I’m not drinking and of course I’m not drugging. I’m elated by the thought that I’m free of addictions in this very real way…
AND because of my 10 year cycle I know this year of 35 is going to be going fully in the right direction… and remember I left to travel when I was 26 so 36 is where it’s all going up up up.
This time I will be prepared however. I will be aware not to let myself slip into this again.
Oh and guess what?
I have another pattern. Whenever I’m at my fittest and thinnest – I get rich. It’s both an unhelpful AND a helpful belief. In SF at my fittest, I made $80,000 in 4 months running my off the books business in the party industry, and had been making between $2000 – $8000 most months before that for a good two years as well.
Back at 20 and 21 I was making between $1000 – $2200 a WEEK in sales. And that was back when I had social anxiety and PTSD, which is healed and long in the past for me now!
So now I am working on my passion, living my purpose and finally aligned with my true values (the highest being health) I can only imagine what will happen next.
All I can say is look out World, here I come!
And you know what?
Because I went through this… and much much more that’s too much to write here now… I have a deep empathy and non judgmental nature. This is why I am such a powerful healer. This is why I get right to the heart of what is holding someone back.
When I think of how I came close to overdosing so many times, never went to the doctor and just shrugged off it off… it now makes me sad to think of how little respect I had for myself.
But I honestly felt like I was invincible.
Gosh, around that time I had a tragic fall out of a tall 2nd story window onto cement that could have broken my back or killed me. And that was a result of drug use and being out of alignment with my values and some other stuff too… so maybe I really did have some force protecting me.
I honestly believe I went through so much, so I can help make the world a better place. Even as I’ve struggled with my own stuff, I have been able to help other people grow and thrive. And now I am 35 and in THAT part of 10 year cycle… it’s only going to get better, and better…. and better… and BETTER!
So I encourage you to look at your life and notice how no matter what is s going on, you always pull through eventually and become a better person for it… Have you had any lessons coming from your hardships?
I genuinely believe that all adversity has a blessing contained within if you only know how to look for it… Would you agree?
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